Why

I thought you went away, I thought I was done and gone. I thought this wouldn't happen, even if I wanted it to happen, it wouldn't.

Why did you come back into my dreams? This time more vivid than ever? And it was everything that I've wanted. You. In my hands.

It wasn't just you in my hands, it was you telling me how hard it has been for you too. It was an explanation. Something I want more than simply having you. An explanation. Even in my dream, you say "I don't know", but that it has been hard for you too. Why couldn't you give me an explanation?

I hate this. You were suppose to be finished with, done. You were suppose to be gone.

I guess a part of me will always be with you.

And I hate it.

I guess I'll never understand

There are some things I don't think I can ever wrap my head around. I can't even begin to understand how I would come about understanding it if I tried. I know you never got to grow up with someone else, someone else that would teach you the things in life isnt always about you. It is rather unfortunate that you never even got a chance to not be self-centered. I suppose it's not your fault that you've grown up to be the way you are. In fact, it's probably not fair for you that you're like this. But all that aside...I don't understand how you are incapable at looking at yourself...and realizing all this bullshit that you are. I don't know about you, but I'm sure most of us look at our flaws and try, and try, and try to improve them. Whether they succeed or not, at least they've tried, right? How could you even stand to look at youself, see those flaws, screaming back at you, and just decide to tell everyone else about them but not try to change it? Honestly, what good is that doing to everyone? Oh right, nothing. There are things I suppose that bitching about is worthy, but what is so worthy about talking about yourself 90% of the time you're having a conversation with someone? Not very. And what's so great about disregarding everyone else's issues, deeming them too small of a problem compared to yours? You really think bitching about your problems, and then going around implying that everyone else's problems are incomparable to yours, is going to make them enjoy being around you? That's pretty fuckin twisted if you do think that. You don't know the first thing about being a person.

And I hate you for that. I hate that I'm stuck in this bear-trap of a friendship.

I don't know how much more longer.

Everyday I go on, thinking about everything that is going on, for me, and for all the people I surround myself with. I know I'm sixteen. I know I still have a lot to learn, a lot more to go through. But for now, I'm going to selfishly say that life is pretty shitty.

I don't go through one day without having Chris being in my head. Everyday. Every fucking day. Do you know how it feels to have something go through your head that you know 100% you can't ever have? Ever? It breaks my heart a little bit every time I think about him, and about everything we could've been. I try so hard to not think about him, to occupy myself with everything I possibly can. Making plans with friends, spending money, watching t.v., going on the internet, doing homework...but at the end of the day, when I'm done having fun, done doing my homework, I lie in bed, and every night, before I go to bed, my mind loves wandering to you. I bought the Colbie Caillat album when you broke my heart, and I would listen to it thinking of you. Not until recently have I not been afraid to listen to the record because I know you'll definitely appear in my head, in my dreams. I've last saw you over 2 months ago, and just recently have I been able to listen to music that I've related to you. Do you know how fucking horrible and pathetic that is? I wish every single day that maybe, when I wake up you'll be gone, like I've never met you. But scars don't just go away, they stay, stay forever. No matter how many bandages I put over it, it'll always be there. And momentarily, no bandages seem to stick to the scar. I still haven't been able to let myself like other people, no matter how amazing they are. I'm afraid. I'm still waiting for the day when all these thoughts overbear me, and I break the fuck down. I'm trying to hard to repress these feelings, as unhealthy it is. But what am I suppose to do? Go around and bitch about my failure, about how I miss Chris, about my fucking patheticness? No. I don't do that.

I know, Chris and I were never really anything. But there was so much potential for us. We never got a chance. We simply fit together, like a piece of apple pie. Chris never gave me, gave anything, a chance. I hope you still think about me, Chris, and I hope it hurts as much as it hurts me.

Love Happens

It was a good movie, for me. As cheesy as it is, I feel inspired to blog about something after watching it. Basically, the movie is about this man, Bruce, who lost his wife to a freak car accident. After her death, he wrote a book called, 'A-OKAY', a self-help book that deals with the grieving mourning of a deceased loved one. He went to Seattle for a seminar that lasted a couple of days for his book, there he meets Eloise, who broke up with her boyfriend after he slept with a groupie. The movie goes on about Bruce doing seminars, getting to know Eloise (all the while falling or her), and as the movie goes on we learn that Bruce doesn't follow his own advice he gives in A-OKAY. By the end of the movie, Bruce breaks down at one his seminars and we learn that he was the one who was at the wheel when his wife died in the car accident. He finally learns to forgive himself and begin to move on. At the last scene, Bruce shows up at Eloise's flower shop and the two kiss. So that was my little summary of the movie, it wasn't a bad movie, but it felt kinda long. I'm not the biggest fan of Aaron Eckhart, although he portrayed Bruce quite well, and I like Jennifer Aniston, so it was generally a good movie for me.

Anywho, this got me thinking. I don't think anyone can understand how much I fell for Chris, or maybe the idea of me and Chris. Which ever, it involved Chris. I try to explain to my friends that Chris meant a lot to me, despite his actions. I don't talk about Chris much at school, because I want to forget about him. I want him out of my mind, as if we never met. But that's not moving on, that's just denying the past. I'm definitely not 100% over Chris, I'm not 100% done with the feelings, but I know I'm making my way there. Whether this cold-turkey ruse hurts like a bitch or not, in the end, it works. I may just be lying to myself this moment, sub-conciously, that I'm close to being over Chris. You know when you are so sure of something, but a couple of weeks later you breakdown crying in your room? I don't want this to be one of those. I know I will be over Chris eventually, I know these feelings will go away. But I also do know that I won't forget about Chris, I know he'll always be somewhere in my mind, wandering around, he'll always have that mark he left on my heart. That mark is still under repair though, it's getting it's stitches and I think I'm close to finishing those stitches. I'm not going to deny the past, I'm not going to not allow myself to think about him, I'm just going to admit I fell for someone who played his nice-boy act very well, and I made a mistake. In saying so, I'm not going to purposly think about him, if he wanders in, he'll be there. I'm also not going to blame myself for falling for his character, and instead, realize that sometimes people aren't always what they seem to be at first. Maybe someone better will come along someday, maybe not, either way, I'm glad to know that this time I followed my heart. I'm going to move on.

I'm not going to lie, it drives me crazy wondering if he ever thinks about me. I hope he does. And I hope it hurts.

Shit happens, you know?

Yeah. Shit happens. Maybe what happened to me is merely a tiny issue compared to the rest of the shit that goes on in the world. Yeah, maybe my problem is not even a problem. And I'm very clear on that, I know that what I went through probably is nothing compared to what I may go through in the future. I don't go around telling people that my issue is the worst there is, I don't go around telling people I've had it the worst, 'cause I don't have it that bad. And I know that. I don't talk about myself 24/7 because I know my life is pretty fucking good compared to lots of people who are less fortunate. I don't have much to complain about. Yeah, my heart got broken, but what about people who have to see their loved ones die? Sure, I don't get sufficient sleep, but what about the single parents who don't sleep worrying about their children and their future? Of course I get homework, tests, quizzes, and have to deal with school, but what about the children who doesn't even get an education? So I don't get every single kind of make-up and clothes I want, but what about the people who can't even afford food? Or yeah, I fight with my parents, and sometimes I feel they treat me unreasonable, but what about the kids who don't even have parents? I know how fortunate I am. And of course, being the 16 year old that I am, I do have my days where I like to rant to my friends, I like to complain, but what 16 year old doens't have those off days? In saying so, I do believe that most of us don't complain everyday, I do believe that most of us don't talk about how horrible their life first thing when they see their friends. Why do you do it, then? Why? Just how fucking bad could your life be compared to the kids who don't have all the shit that you have? Who doesn't have the education, the money, the parents that is offered? Why is your life so bad? I don't understand. You and I aren't that different when speaking materialistically. You have a violin, a piano, the opportunity to take music lessons. I have a piano, and I had the opportunity to take music lessons. You live in a house, so do I. Your parents own a car, so do mine. Your parents make enough money to support a family of 4, put food on the table, provide a shelter, and provide you with necessities. So do mine. Your parents came here so you'd have a great education, so did mine. Your parents give you the opportunity to travel, to experience things, so does mine. So just how different are we? We aren't. Then how come your life is substantially worse than mine? So your mom treats you unfairly, and albeit, horribly sometimes. Mine doesn't. So maybe I don't know what it's like, I don't know how bad it feels, but at the end of the day, your mom loves you. Your mom gave you all the things you have. Your mom is still your mom. I don't understand, after these 4 years, why you think you have it worse than the kids in a third-world country. I don't understand why you would want that than what you have, I don't know anyone who would want that. Even though I don't know what it's like for you at home, I know it cannot be worse than to have nothing. No home, no food, no clothes, no where to go, and possibly no parents. Nothing. I KNOW your life is not that bad. I know why you do it. I know exactly why. You're constantly comparing yourself to everyone, obsessively. Who the fuck cares if you actually are poorer than me, why does anyone want to compare who's poorer?! Why do I care if you got into calculus AP or not? Why should I care if your violin music is "sooo hard"? Why do I have to listen to you bitch on and on about your "horrible" life? I'm so tired of listening to you bitch about things that don't matter, I'm so tired of listening to you talking about yourself like you're the centre of the world and how you have it super bad. I'm tired of listening to your nonsense. Just shut the fuck up, already.

If this is how it feels...

If this is how it feels to fall, at least I fell. And if I end up lonely, at least I sided with love.

Except I don't actually feel this way, I'd rather not feel what I've felt, so I won't have to go through this again. I do believe in love, I just don't believe love happens to everyone. Not everyone is so lucky.

Yes, I did just quote One Tree Hill.

"At this moment, there are six billion, four hundred seventy million, eight hundred eighteen thousand, six hundred seventy one people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls, and sometimes..all you need is One."

19,490,297 people in New York. 2,318,200 people in Vancouver. That is a combined population of twenty one million, eight hundred and eight thousand, four hundred ninety seven people. Twenty one million souls. And evidently, all I need is you.

Chris, where did you go? I miss you.

I think I'm okay now. I think. Let's not jinx it.

I feel much better now. Even smiling and joking with the family again. Bought some cosmetics today, as part of an ending-get-over-you-therapy-session. And with that, I spent roughly $37 CND, a really gorgeous Anna Sui nail polish in 103, and a Clinique lipstick with SPF 15 in RSVPink (23). I really love the Anna Sui nail polish. And I also purchased a Body Shop lipstick a couple of days ago, I forgot the color, but I don't really like the texture, it is a little bit too rough. Review next post :). So back to the main topic, yes, I feel much better about you now. It doesn't hurt anymore when I think about you, and my stomach doesn't feel like it's going drop when I am reminded of you. Not even saying your name in my head hurts me as much as I thought it would. But honestly, I don't think I've ever fallen so hard for someone. I guess seeing you for 12-14 hours a day for 5 straight days didn't really help the i'm-not-going-to-get-attached philosophy. And you and your wonderful performance didn't help either. I'm going to applaud you for playing whatever you were attempting to portray, so well. You got me believing in everything. I applaud you.

If you know me, and you're wondering just how hard and fast I fell for him...well, it's not that hard to explain. Who have I liked that I crie d about? I think out of the many boys I've like, I've ever really cried for 2. One was back in elementary school, and one was well, the one at school with the pretty hair. And how long did it take for me to cry for them? Definitely not 5 days. But I did for this one. Well, 8 days, to be exact. Eight days. Do you understand how hard I fell, smack on my face, yet?

We didn't even begin. How come I feel broken?

Have you ever read New Moon? I did. When he left, she couldn't do anything. She moped, she sat, she did everything routinely but with no life. How come I'm doing the exact same thing? We didn't even start, this isn't the first time this has happened. But it feels like we've broken up.

I don't want to go out and see family. I just want to stay inside and mope. I don't want to be accompanied by family, I just want to be alone. I don't want to eat, I don't want to shop, I don't want to do anything but curl up in a ball and cry. I almost cried today on the bus, because everything reminded me of you. Even the guy standing in front of me in the line for the bus was wearing Abercrombie and Fitch jeans. Even standing in the MTR station, there was a map in front of that showed me where you lived. Even watching the rain. The sun. My sunglasses. My makeup. The shoes I wore that day. The dress I wore that day. A girl on the street wearing Hollister, or Aeropostale. Even shopping in The Body Shop. We talked about everything. So everything I see reminds me of you. Dinner. Rice. Tea.

What is happening to me? Why can't I get you out of my head. How come I want to cry any second now? I feel exactly like a girl who has just broken up with someone she loved. Except I never fell in love with you. I just fell for you, head first, faster than I've ever fallen. And you didn't catch me.

I need to get away from here. I need to be back in Vancouver. I need my friends.

He lives in the Big Apple.

I met a boy. He is a great boy. And I'm sure there was something, but I don't think it could ever work out. He stares at me, he locks eyes with me, he said I was pretty, and he didn't object to be crushing on me, he said he thinks about me, he remembers the outfits I've worn, he's good to his mom, he's good to his little sister. He's got everything I'm looking for. And a swimmer's body. We have everything in common, and he's cute as a button. But he lives in the Big Apple.

We live miles and miles away from each other. What are the chances that we both meet in a city that is halfway around the world?

I promised myself I wouldn't get attached. What am I thinking? This will never work out. Goodbye.

Hong Kong. Here I am.

Been in this city for a little less than a week now. It's been quite a while since I've written here. After exams and such, I just kinda laid around the house and then in July I did dance classes for three weeks at Harbour Dance Centre. First week was with Val Ho, second week was with JP Tarlit (loved his class), and the third week was with Eric Malapad (LU-OVED his class). It was great, and tons of fun. Here are a few pictures: if I'm in green, that's Eric's class. If I'm in white, that's JP's class.

I miss dance. I miss JP and Eric's class. They were really really fun. Anywho, the day after dance, I took a flight to Hong Kong. And I will be staying here for a month. It's been good so far. My cousin has 2 dogs, and they are adorable! One of them is fucking annoying though, her name's Starfruit (well in Chinese), and likes to lick my face at 5 AM, jesus christ. Onion (in chinese), he's so cute. He lies on my lap and just sits there. I also went shopping with my aunt and cousin, and jesus christ, I love being spoiled! Here's what they bought me:


NARS single eyeshadow in Lulu

NARS duo eyeshadow in Brumes

Stila lipglaze in Peach

MAC lipstick in Freckletone

Sephora face blush brush


Smashbox Photo-Op eye illuminator/primer

H&M dress

H&M high-waisted skirt

H&M wrap tunic dress

H&M earrings

H&M wayfarer style sunglasses

Zara tank top

Zara t-shirt

Zara tank top with side pocket

Zara tie-up blouse


Zara high-waisted skirt with two pockets

Zara navy cardigan w/out buttons


Shirt from random asian store


Scarf from random asian store


Scarf from random asian store

Intense room cleaning...

Finally frickin finished cleaning my stupid room. Took forever. Well, classes finished a little less than a week ago...and now everyone's freaking out about finals and provincials. Me? Just breezing through the week. Not much to do. English provincial on Wednesday, but that doesn't require studying. I'm thinking I'll begin studying for Science sometime this week. Yep. I don't have much to say. But I decided to blog since I haven't written on this thing for over 2 weeks. I'm bored. And waiting for dinner to be done. Omelettes. Yum.

Eggs for dinner.

I thought it was the stupidest thing ever...at first. Obviously I became more understandable as I knew more about it. But I'm still not sure why it would just happen...so spontaneously, or so it seems. Is it out of the blue? Something bottled up deep inside? Or is it just the "in" thing to do? I realize that it isn't what it seems, it isn't as shallow as it can be portrayed. I do wondered how come it isn't allowed to be known by others? How come it has be kept a secret...even from the people you trust the most, the people you've known all your life, the people you can depend your life on. Why was it so bad, so...frowned upon if anyone knew? I hear stories of when people let other people know, and they say that their life turns upside down (not that it wasn't to start with)...I don't get it, how could letting the people you can depend your life on, make everything so much worse? It doesn't make sense.





I wish I could say that I could tell the people I trust the most, the people I would, on any day, depend my life on. I wish I could say that I don't understand, that it just happened spontaneously. I wish I could tell someone, tell anyone. But now I understand, just exactly why you can never let anyone know.

All over now... I think.

Does anyone ever get over someone, and you are damn sure of it...that you're completely over them, that you guys are just in the friends zone, and 100% sure of it. But there are those, flicker of times, that if feels as if you've fell back to where you were...maybe couple months ago? Sort of like a relapse, but it doesn't last very long. Maybe for part of the day, for a couple hours, or even just for that train of thought. You repeatedly make me feel that way, why do you do it?

Money, money, money, money, money...

...I don't have any, which makes me sad :( The month of june is going to rob me broke...again. I've been dirt poor all of May, and in June, I have a gazillion birthday presents to buy for people...and been asked to go shopping as a celebration of school being over. Ugh. I really hope my students are going to keep doing piano throughout June... I need the money. And Sephora's opening on July 10th, so need to save for that! So there is 39 days till Jonas Brothers concert, so stoked!!!

Sephora Wishlist; eyes only

Urban Decay Ammo Eye Palette: $36

Urban Decay Eyeshadow: $16
in Blaze, YDK, Jones, Half-Baked, Stray Dog, Flash, and Oil Slick

Urban Decay Primer Potion: $17
in Sheer Nude


MAKE UP FOR EVER Pure Pigments: $19
in No. 14 Violet, and No. 18 Emerald Green


MAKE UP FOREVER Aqua Eyes Collection: $35

NARS Duo Eye Shadow: $32
in Bohemian Gold (metallic taupe/iridescent copper), Cheyenne (metallic sienna/burgundy plum), Earth Angel (bronzed taupe shimmer, olive shimmer), Jolie Poupee (matte lavender/violet shimmer), Sea, Sex & Sun (shimmering moss/golden mustard), and Surbaya (brown sugar/chestnut)

Stila Convertible Eye Color: $22
in Clove, Stone and Teak


Too Faced Eyeshadow Duo: $17
in Cocoa Lilly (rich metallic chocolate bornw/glimmering lilac rose), and Full Frontal (bronzed chocolate, spiced orange)

Smashbox Single Eye Shadow: $16
in Cabernet, Flamingo, Green Room, Serpent, and Torch

CARGO Color Eyeshadow Palette: $28
in Baja (bronze sheen/light pink sheen/matte peach/shimmering beige taupe), Bermuda (shimmering pale khaki, matte chocolate brown/bronze sheen/shimmering copper), London (matte dark brown/shimmering pale gold/matte eggplant/deep olive sheen), Shanghai, (white shimmer/matte peach beige/shimmer golden pink/deep taupe shimmer), and Tahiti (pale golden green shimmer/light forest green shimmer/vibran blue shimmer/dark teal blue shimmer)

I so need to save money.

I....ate a bug. *Cough*

Okay. I didn't actually eat a bug. But I am studying (rare, I know), I have so much to study. Thanks to procrastination. Well. 3ish more weeks of school, and it's overrrrrr!!! I am so stoked for summer. Well, back to studying.

And I have to go work later. FML.

Well...there goes Canucks' season.

I suppose there is always next year. Still. It sucks. I hope either Anaheim or Detroit crushes the stupid fucking Blackhawks in the conferance finals. Yeah, I'm bitter.

On another note,
I can't exactly say that I feel sorry for you...or...however you want to put it. And neither does your friends. I'm estatic about it, to be honest. Not in a oh-because-i'm-jealous-way, it's more of knowing that maybe you'll turn back to what you were before.

One week. Apology message.

I think the title pretty much summarized my thoughts. One week later, an apology message. I don't know how I feel about it. I think it got me even more frustrated.

The message was pretty damn loud and clear. Hope you got it, bud.

It's been five days since I've spoken to you, and I'm feeling better than ever. Just seeing you yesterday for a span of two seconds infuriated me, it ruined the rest of my day. Yeah, that's how much you've angered me. Today is the first day I follow my new philosophy, and the goal is to keep my temper in check. And I've gotta say, today was a very good test of my temper. Having to deal with your presence for an hour...I'm gonna say, was pretty damn impressive. I can't believe I was able to control myself so well, no eye contact, no acknowledgement, I pretended like you didn't exist.

Did you get the message? It wasn't hard to figure.

Get over yourself, buddy. Who the fuck do you think you are?

You use to be the person I want to see everytime I'm upset, when nothing's right. You use to make me smile a little bit more by just being there, you were just one of those people who brings a lighter mood to whatever situation. What happened? Why did you have to go and do a complete 180 degree turn? Is it because you think you're all that just because you're dating someone? Is that suppose to make you better than everyone else? Does you dating someone suddenly make you that much cooler? That much better? I don't think so, and honestly, neither does the people who surrounds you. GET OVER YOURSELF.

To be clear, I wasn't mad at you for the reasons you think. I'm mad at you because you honestly act like you're better than me, just because you're dating someone and I'm not. You don't act straight out cocky, but it's the little things you do, the little underlying attitude that you every now and then slip out. The game we were playing today? I don't fucking care who's cooler. I honestly did not think of that game as anything serious, clearly it was a different situation for you. It was nothing serious, just chill the fuck out. After asking the first person, I thought the game was over. You continued. Oh sorry, wasn't it you that started it? Oh yeah. It was, so don't pull the "no you started it" shit on me, and don't go all whatever-I'm leaving-you're-being-a-bitch-fuck-you on me either, bud. I was totally being chill about the game, it was nothing serious, and you were definitely doing a great act on thinking it was chill too. Sorry, but it was the little glares that you shot at me, the little "pfts" sound that had a little too much hmph to it that sold you out. You were taking it way more seriously than it was intended to be. Everyone likes to look for compliments to build their esteem, but what you were doing earlier was obviously just an attempt to prove that you're 'better' than me. Had you of actually won? I know exactly what you're going to do with that. You're going to rub it in my face, use it everytime, you're going to act immature about it. Fortunately, you lost. And when you did, you were all pissy and being all like, whatever-I'm-leaving...and it didn't stop there, you went on to tell my friend that we're being stupid/bitchy or whatever. You started the fucking thing, so shut it. Also, that little jab you took at me? The one that was a little too much? Yeah. Buddy, thanks for saying that I'm not a very good pianist. I would've taken it as a joke, had it not been your little too serious/egomaniac tone. Please, who are you to question my musical ability? You're just a little dick who sucks at the fucking bass and way over your head. And all the "jokes" I said about to you about you being a jerk/dick and someone who has a big ego, I know it sounded sarcastic, but I meant every single word.

I would go on, but you're a waste of my time now. I can't believe how much time I've invested in you in the past, how much I thought you were such an innocent friend, how you were "the nicest person ever". I'm waiting for the day where you aren't going to date the person you're dating, and watch your fucking ego break into a million little pieces and watch you crawl back to your friends. And the funny thing is, all the people you surround yourself with everyday are the people who told me about your change in attitude in the first place; they're also waiting for the day your ego crumbles. But to be clear, I still like you as a person/friend...maybe just not as much as I use to.

Oh yeah, and your apology backstage seemed pretty half assed.

Mondays. I hate Mondays... and slopes.

New week. I am PMS-ing much less, well at least today, I've been much merrier...even though it's a Monday. Who likes Mondays? Not many people I know. Monday's always suck. It's the mark of a new week, a reminder that weeks are flying by -- that time is flying by. It's the first day after the wonderful weekend, the first day of school week, the first day you have to start waking up early after sleeping in on weekends. Did I mention? I hate Mondays.

That was my rant of the day. Mondays. Not much of a rant. Just a chain of thoughts on Mondays. Anywho, I have a math test tomorrow...on slopes. I hate slopes as well. No one really cares about using slopes as a rate of change, 'cause honestly, the next time there is a thunderstorm I am not going to calculate the rate of change between the lightning and the thunder in metres per second. I am never, ever going to need that in daily life.

Speaking of daily life, I think I may go take my knowledge test soon, and get my learner's. Either tomorrow or Thursday. Yep. Exciting stuff...no actually, it is really exciting. I cannot wait to get on the road. Watch out, children. I think I'm going to be raging driver, I don't know, between my sane emotions and my raging ones...there isn't a very big gap. I think those who know me know that already. Haha.

Well...I'm back to studying some math. Slopes. Yuck.

Saturdays. Calls. Text messages.

Don't even know where to begin, how to start, what to say, when to tell, who to bitch. I think I've given up on trying whatever I've been trying for the last year, year and half, maybe.
Whatever, it doesn't matter how long I've been trying. You'll never know. I don't want to be all up in your face and say all the things that might just make matters worse, instead I resorted to subtly telling you. Unfortunately, you're so warped up in other thoughts that apparently, I don't matter. And if I still do, whatever effort you're putting in, makes me feel like I don't matter.

Sometimes, before you commit yourself to something, you ponder (maybe it's just me), would I ever be like that? Would I really choose something new and shiny over something I've known a shitload longer? All because I'm fixated on the things that the new and shiny thing offers? I think most people would say no (realizing that I'm not talking about materialistic things). I think most people would say that they would choose the thing they've known since forever over the new and shiny. But once you choose to commit yourself to the new, your perspectives change. Although I can't quite wrap my head around as to why someone could be so brutal and axe out the old for the new, but I can understand that perspectives do end up changing.

'Cause in my big picture, I'm the old thing that feels like it's been dumped. Long ago. Although I am 100% sure I wasn't axed out on purpose, that I wasn't a headshot picture on a table being checked off.
I think that axing me was all done, subconciously.

Bitchfest.

I am 15 minutes away from doing some major homeworking...yeah, it's been a while since I've "worked hard" -- okay, that's a lie. It's more like it's been a while since I've done homework. I use to do homework right when it was assigned, okay, I really need to stop lying on this blog. I use to do my homework relatively early (as in, 8 pm the night before it was due -- which isn't bad), but lately, all I want to do is slack. I just don't care. I've given up. I just dont' care about anything. If I had my way, I wouldn't even show up to school, I would just sit at home, sleep and eat. I just don't care about anything. Hence why I think life sucks. Everything's about tests, exams, homework, school, boys, tests, exams, friends, drama, boys, homework. I hate it. It is just a cycle of suckiness, of boredom, of complete oblivion. I can't even say I enjoy school anymore, I only go for the sake of my parents, and I guess sometimes my friends. I don't even know why I'm here at Blenz. I've been at home for the last hour contemplating whether I should even come down here to do homework or should I just lay around the house being fat. Obviously, I decided to be a bigger person and come down here to do my homework.

Other than my bitchfest of how life sucks right now, I've added a new thing to bitch about other than school and work (which is just a load of easy crap) -- I've given up on liking anyone. I honestly do not need to like anyone in my life right now, all they do is pose as a distraction in my life. Ever since I fell, fell hard (in highschool terms), I didn't really care about school, but I felt like I could do anything in the world (it sounds confusing, but honestly, it isn't). I just focused so much of my time, so much concentration on him that I've lost my will to do anything at school. You'd think that maybe if I got over him, everything will just go back to normal, that I'd live like I did before. Unfortunately, now that I'm over him, everything just keeps spiraling downwards. At least when I liked him I had the willpower to do some things. Now? I honestly, do not care about anything. There isn't much else I'd really care about, and that I'd make an extra effort to attain. This is what liking someone does to me. When I like them, I get this rush of adrenaline like I could do anything in the world, and after I get over them it's like the rush of adrenaline all came crashing down a little bit too fast. Way, too fast.

Well, I suppose I should go to my homework now. Fuck my life.