10 years ago

If you told me 10 years ago that this is the type of bullshit I have to consistently put up with, I would've never in my life believed you. You would've had to have taken the soul out of me to believe it.


10 years later...it's taking the soul out of me to believe it and deal with it.

ancora imparo.

"i believe in simplicity. i believe in feelings and family, friendship and fidelity, forgiveness and fortitude. i believe in motherhood and make believe. i believe in concocting and consuming colorful cocktails and fussing over and feasting on fabulous food. i believe in living out loud. i believe in laughing until your face hurts and loving until your heart breaks. i believe in behaving boldly when warranted, badly, taking bubble baths and being barefoot. i believe in poetry, puppies and playing in the park. i believed in scheduled working on weekdays and sleeping in on the weekends. i believe in dancing in the rain and digging in the dirt.. i believe in honest expression and the golden rule. i believe in nature and naps and that naivete is sometimes necessary. i believe in goodness and gratitude and grace. i believe in unity and the power of the universe. i believe in being authentically awesome. i believe in being better today than yesterday but not as good as tomorrow. i believe in challenges and change and growing pains. i believe in the inherent worth of every creature on this planet. i believe in honoring the individual journeys and paths of people whether i understand them or not. i believe in letting people live their truth and trusting that it's right for them. i believe in lifting up and letting go. i believe that death is just as sacred an experience as birth and that is is never, ever an end. mostly, i just believe that i'm never going to stop learning that is it i believe. ancora imparo."

Confessions

Every time I want to put this into words, my pride always seem to get the best of me and I never end up letting it go any further than within my own head. But today, I don't know.. seems like a good time.

I admit it. Sometimes, more often than not, I wish I had someone. I know that probably sounds really desperate or something, but I mean it. Sometimes I feel very lonely, even with all the friends that I have, the loneliness that ensues sometimes, no matter how many friends I have, I still feel very lonely. Sometimes I feel very alone when I'm frustrated, and all I want is a hug from someone who loves me no matter what. I want someone to hold my hand, and tell me everything is going to be okay, and that I can get through whatever it is. I'm the last person that will ever show my vulnerable side, so I will never admit in real life how I really feel. I will forever be the person that puts on a brave face and tells herself that everything is going to be okay.

Its those moments when you feel so alone and you have nobody, is when you really start questioning yourself, and wondering what is wrong with you. You have so many friends and a  loving family, why on earth do you feel so alone, and the obvious one, what is so wrong with me that I just simply seem to repel everyone? It's those moments where I feel the most vulnerable. Where I feel my weakest and am most embarrassed. I never want to be the girl that can't handle things on her own, I never want to be that girl that constantly needs reassurance from a man. I never want to be that girl. 

But sometimes I just feel so incredibly lonely, all I want is someone to hold my hand and give me a hug. All I want is to just spend a day with someone special indoors, in our sweats and carefree. I just want someone that I can always rely on no matter what. I just want someone.

....I never want to be the girl that needs someone. But I need someone. I put on a strong face because I have to.

four months and a bit

away from home, takes a lot out of you.

smile all you want in the photos, but there are always those days where you just wish you were home.





today is one of those days.

In the letter,

I wrote you that I hoped whoever the next girl is, she'll know just how perfectly special you are.

I am so very happy for you, and I only hope she does.

make it without you.

this is the starting of my greatest fear,
i'm all packed up, getting out of here.
but then you call and tell me not to go,
that i'm the one who put the rock and roll,
in your life.

this is the starting of a brand new day.
i never liked this town much anyway,
i need this city like i need the rain,
i know that somehwere there's a north bound train.

oh, i'll make it without you,
make it without you,
and though my body's layin' here,
it's mouth that must be lying now.

this is the starting of my fall from grace,
my self esteem, it's seen better days.
but you know i'll never let this go to waste,
i'll keept his memory on the map i trace
back to home.

my friends go out, but i've been stayin in,
i know i should but that's the way it's been.
i never cared much for the taste of gin,
i still don't now, oh, but it's been helpin.

oh, i'll make it without you,

in my life.
oh, i'll make it with out you,
and though my body's layin here,
it's my mouth that must be lyin' now.
it's my mouth that must be lyin' now

oh i'll, make it without you.
oh i'll, make it without you.
oh i'll, i'll make it without you.
and though my body's layin here,
it's my mouth that must be lyin' now.

when

...when it's week two and she's already got you doubting and crying.