Love Happens

It was a good movie, for me. As cheesy as it is, I feel inspired to blog about something after watching it. Basically, the movie is about this man, Bruce, who lost his wife to a freak car accident. After her death, he wrote a book called, 'A-OKAY', a self-help book that deals with the grieving mourning of a deceased loved one. He went to Seattle for a seminar that lasted a couple of days for his book, there he meets Eloise, who broke up with her boyfriend after he slept with a groupie. The movie goes on about Bruce doing seminars, getting to know Eloise (all the while falling or her), and as the movie goes on we learn that Bruce doesn't follow his own advice he gives in A-OKAY. By the end of the movie, Bruce breaks down at one his seminars and we learn that he was the one who was at the wheel when his wife died in the car accident. He finally learns to forgive himself and begin to move on. At the last scene, Bruce shows up at Eloise's flower shop and the two kiss. So that was my little summary of the movie, it wasn't a bad movie, but it felt kinda long. I'm not the biggest fan of Aaron Eckhart, although he portrayed Bruce quite well, and I like Jennifer Aniston, so it was generally a good movie for me.

Anywho, this got me thinking. I don't think anyone can understand how much I fell for Chris, or maybe the idea of me and Chris. Which ever, it involved Chris. I try to explain to my friends that Chris meant a lot to me, despite his actions. I don't talk about Chris much at school, because I want to forget about him. I want him out of my mind, as if we never met. But that's not moving on, that's just denying the past. I'm definitely not 100% over Chris, I'm not 100% done with the feelings, but I know I'm making my way there. Whether this cold-turkey ruse hurts like a bitch or not, in the end, it works. I may just be lying to myself this moment, sub-conciously, that I'm close to being over Chris. You know when you are so sure of something, but a couple of weeks later you breakdown crying in your room? I don't want this to be one of those. I know I will be over Chris eventually, I know these feelings will go away. But I also do know that I won't forget about Chris, I know he'll always be somewhere in my mind, wandering around, he'll always have that mark he left on my heart. That mark is still under repair though, it's getting it's stitches and I think I'm close to finishing those stitches. I'm not going to deny the past, I'm not going to not allow myself to think about him, I'm just going to admit I fell for someone who played his nice-boy act very well, and I made a mistake. In saying so, I'm not going to purposly think about him, if he wanders in, he'll be there. I'm also not going to blame myself for falling for his character, and instead, realize that sometimes people aren't always what they seem to be at first. Maybe someone better will come along someday, maybe not, either way, I'm glad to know that this time I followed my heart. I'm going to move on.

I'm not going to lie, it drives me crazy wondering if he ever thinks about me. I hope he does. And I hope it hurts.

Shit happens, you know?

Yeah. Shit happens. Maybe what happened to me is merely a tiny issue compared to the rest of the shit that goes on in the world. Yeah, maybe my problem is not even a problem. And I'm very clear on that, I know that what I went through probably is nothing compared to what I may go through in the future. I don't go around telling people that my issue is the worst there is, I don't go around telling people I've had it the worst, 'cause I don't have it that bad. And I know that. I don't talk about myself 24/7 because I know my life is pretty fucking good compared to lots of people who are less fortunate. I don't have much to complain about. Yeah, my heart got broken, but what about people who have to see their loved ones die? Sure, I don't get sufficient sleep, but what about the single parents who don't sleep worrying about their children and their future? Of course I get homework, tests, quizzes, and have to deal with school, but what about the children who doesn't even get an education? So I don't get every single kind of make-up and clothes I want, but what about the people who can't even afford food? Or yeah, I fight with my parents, and sometimes I feel they treat me unreasonable, but what about the kids who don't even have parents? I know how fortunate I am. And of course, being the 16 year old that I am, I do have my days where I like to rant to my friends, I like to complain, but what 16 year old doens't have those off days? In saying so, I do believe that most of us don't complain everyday, I do believe that most of us don't talk about how horrible their life first thing when they see their friends. Why do you do it, then? Why? Just how fucking bad could your life be compared to the kids who don't have all the shit that you have? Who doesn't have the education, the money, the parents that is offered? Why is your life so bad? I don't understand. You and I aren't that different when speaking materialistically. You have a violin, a piano, the opportunity to take music lessons. I have a piano, and I had the opportunity to take music lessons. You live in a house, so do I. Your parents own a car, so do mine. Your parents make enough money to support a family of 4, put food on the table, provide a shelter, and provide you with necessities. So do mine. Your parents came here so you'd have a great education, so did mine. Your parents give you the opportunity to travel, to experience things, so does mine. So just how different are we? We aren't. Then how come your life is substantially worse than mine? So your mom treats you unfairly, and albeit, horribly sometimes. Mine doesn't. So maybe I don't know what it's like, I don't know how bad it feels, but at the end of the day, your mom loves you. Your mom gave you all the things you have. Your mom is still your mom. I don't understand, after these 4 years, why you think you have it worse than the kids in a third-world country. I don't understand why you would want that than what you have, I don't know anyone who would want that. Even though I don't know what it's like for you at home, I know it cannot be worse than to have nothing. No home, no food, no clothes, no where to go, and possibly no parents. Nothing. I KNOW your life is not that bad. I know why you do it. I know exactly why. You're constantly comparing yourself to everyone, obsessively. Who the fuck cares if you actually are poorer than me, why does anyone want to compare who's poorer?! Why do I care if you got into calculus AP or not? Why should I care if your violin music is "sooo hard"? Why do I have to listen to you bitch on and on about your "horrible" life? I'm so tired of listening to you bitch about things that don't matter, I'm so tired of listening to you talking about yourself like you're the centre of the world and how you have it super bad. I'm tired of listening to your nonsense. Just shut the fuck up, already.

If this is how it feels...

If this is how it feels to fall, at least I fell. And if I end up lonely, at least I sided with love.

Except I don't actually feel this way, I'd rather not feel what I've felt, so I won't have to go through this again. I do believe in love, I just don't believe love happens to everyone. Not everyone is so lucky.