the right call

when the rain is blowing in your face,

and the whole world is on your case,

i could offer you a warm embrace,

to make you feel my love.

when the evening shadows and the stars appear,

and there is no one there to dry your tears,

i could hold you for a million years,

to make you feel my love.

i know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but i would never do you wrong.
i've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind,
where you belong.

i'd go hungry,
i'd go black and blue,
i'd go crawling,
down the avenue.
no, there's nothing that i wouldn't do,
to make you feel my love.

i could make you happy,
make your dreams come true.
nothing that i wouldn't do,
go to the ends of the earth for you,
to make you feel my love.

(no subject)

you're just a guy

i titled this blog "you're really special to me" and then i deleted it. i'm not sure why i deleted it. it just didn't feel right. No, not because you're not special to me, it didn't feel right because you shouldn't be so special to me.

to be completely honest with myself, i don't want you to be dating her. why would i want you to be dating her? to be completely selfish and ridiculous, i don't want anyone to be dating you. despite my greedy feelings, i am happy for you. i know how much you like her, i can see it when you talk about her. i know you really like her. i can see it in the way you smile when you're with her. i'm happy that you're happy. i know, we're meant to be friends, that's all we'll ever be and i'm fine with that. it would be ridiculous to think otherwise.

i want you to know how much you mean to me. i want you to know how it makes me really happy when you come over and talk to me, how you wave across the room. it makes me happy that you're such a nice person, and you trust me to tell me about your dislikes even though everything thinks you're a nice guy. i'm happy that you share really random facts with me, even though they're ridiculously stupid. i'm glad that we have our handshake.

i know this entire post is so contradictory and pointless, but my feelings towards you are contradictory and pointless. i don't want you to date her, but i'm more than happy that you are dating her because it makes you happy. i want you to care about me as much as i care about you, but i know we can only be friends. i want you to know all the things i feel about you, but i want to keep them to myself because i'm afraid we won't have our handshake anymore.

you're really special to me. but you shouldn't be. you're just a guy.


you're just a guy

Saint Patrick's Day

here comes the cold,

break out the winter clothes,
and find a love to call your own.

You - enter you,

your cheeks a shade of pink,

and the rest of you in powder blue.

who knows what will be,

but i'll make you this guarantee...

no way November will see our goodbyes,

when it comes to December it's obvious why.

no one wants to be alone at Christmas time.

in the dark,

on the phone,

you tell me the names of your brothers,

and your favourite colors.

i'm learning you,

and when it snows again,

we'll take a walk outside,

and search the sky,

like children do.

i'll say to you:

no way Novemer will see our goodbye,

when it comes to December it's obvious why.

no one wants to be alone at Christmas time.

and come January we're frozen inside,
making new resolutions a hundred times.

Februrary, won't you be my valentine?

and we'll both be safe til St. Patrick's Day.

we should take a ride tonight around the town,

and look around at all the beautiful houses.

something in the way that blue lights on a black night,

can make you feel more.

everybody, it seems to me, justs wants to be,

just like you and me.

no one wants to be alone at Christmas time.

come January we're frozen inside,

making new resolutions a hundred times.

February, won't you be my valentine?

and if our always is all that we gave,
and we someday take that away,

I'll be alright if it was just til St. Patrick's Day.

life is beautiful. is it?

what do you do, when for some god forsaken reason, nothing works out?
what am i suppose to do, if (god forbid) nothing works out for me?
what the fuck do you turn to? the sky? the ground? jump off a fuckin building?
option three sounds wonderfully delicious right now.
why did i ever want to grow up so fucking fast? who the fucking hell likes highschool?
when you fuck up just about the most important month of your fucking life.

we work, we work, we work. we work so fucking hard, and in the end, it really comes down to those two weeks that's going to start the engine to your future. what the fucking hell are we suppose to do if those two fucking weeks, two weeks, don't work out? oh yeah. 7 years of elementary school and 5 years of highschool...and all it fucking matters is those two weeks? that determines whether you're going to get into post-secondary? (and let's face it, post-secondary education means university. what the hell are you going to do with a degree from a fucking college or institute?)
we've come all this fucking way, just to be absolutely thrown off by those two weeks.
those two weeks seems like the most fucking important weeks of our lives that we are still in school.

what the fuck am i going to do?
where the fuck am i going to go?
fuck.
let's just go jump off the fucking bridge.

dear heart, please don't go.

Just run away,
from these lies,
back to yesterday,
safe tonight.
I feel the sun creeping up like tick tock.
I'm trying to keep you in my head but if not,
we'll just keep running from tomorrow with our lips locked.
Yeah, you got me begging begging, baby please don't go.
If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?
I don't know,
if you feel the way I do.
If you leave me I'm gonna find you.
Baby please don't go,
baby please don't go,
baby please don't go.
Baby please don't,
baby please don't,
baby please don't...

Run away from my bed,
and start another day,
stay instead.
I feel the sun creeping up like tick tock.
I'm trying to keep you in my head but if not,
we'll just keep running from tomorrow with our lips locked.
Yeah, you got me begging begging,
baby please don't go.
If I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?
I don't know,
if you feel the way I do,
if you leave i'm gonna find you.
Baby please don't go,
baby please don't go,
baby please don't go.
Baby please don't,
baby please don't.

I stay running from tomorrow,
I stay running from tomorrow.
Well, I stay running tomorrow.
Said I stay running from tomorrow.

Baby please don't go,
if I wake up tomorrow will you still be here?
I don't know,
if you feel the way I do,
if you leave I'm gonna find you.
Baby please don't go,
baby please don't go,
baby please don't go.
Baby please don't,
baby please don't,
run away.

maybe it's my blind optimism to blame.

There I was again tonight, forcing laughter, faking smiles.
Same old tired, lonely place.
Walls of insincerity.
Shifting eyes and vacancy vanished when I saw your face.
All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you.

Your eyes whisphered "have we met?"
Across the room yoru silhouette starts to make its way to me.
The playful conversation starts.
Counter all your quick remarks like passing notes in secrecy.
And it was enchanting to meet you,
all I can say is I was enchanted to meet you.

The night is sparkling, don't you let it go.
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever wondering if you know,
I was enchanted to meet you.

The lingering question kept me up.
2 a.m., who do you love?
I wondered till I'm wide awake.
And now I'm pacing back and forth, wishing you were at my door.
I'd open up and you would say,
it was enchanting to meet you,
all I know is I was enchanted to meet you.

This night is sparkling, don't you let it go.
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever wondering if you know.
This night is flawless, don't you let it go.
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.
I'll spend forever wondering if you know,
I was enchanted to meet you.

This is me praying that this was the very first page,
not where the story line ends.
My thoughts will echo your name until I see you again.
These are the words I held back as I was leaving too soon,
I was enchanted to meet you.

please don't be in love with someone else,
please don't have somebody waiting on you.
please don't be in love with someone else,
please don't have sombody waiting on you.

This night sparkling, don't you let it go.
I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever wondering if you know,
This night is flawless, don't you let it go.
I'm wonderstruck, dancing around all alone.
I'll spend forever wondering if you know,
I was enchanted to meet you.

please don't be in love with someone else,
please don't have somebody waiting on you.


I forgot it was too late.

Stressed. Doubts.

s t r e s s e d

i'm not good enough.
i am good enough.
no i'm not.
yes i am.
it looks ugly.
it looks beautiful.
i'm not good enough.
yes i am good enough.

no, i'm not good enough.

D O U B T S.

I'll never say anything, because that's the kind of friend I am.

I'll never step on you, I'll never show you up. I'll never tell anyone else your secrets, and I'll always give you my full on support. I'll never lie to you, maybe I'll keep things from you, but I'll never lie. I'll always tell you what I think, I'll always offer you my honest opinion. I'll never imply that you're stupid, I'll never give you the attitude I don't think you deserve.

Because that's the kind of friend I am.

I honor my friendships like the way I treasure my family. I love my friends, I think they are good people, and I think they all deserve to be wonderful people some day.

And I'd like to think you think the same way too.

I'll always give you my full attention when you need it. I'll always be the first person there if you ever run into a sticky situation, and I'll always be the person who'll give you all her ears. I'll never bud in, and tell you about my life. And when you're going on about a problem, I'll never budge in and compare your problem to mine, and then imply that yours is inferior. I'll never make you feel inferior. I'll always respect your problem, the way I respect our friendship.

You know who I am, you know that I'll never straight up tell you to shut up. You know I won't, because that's the kind of person I am. I'll let you talk, I'll let you talk till the sky falls down, I'll listen (albeit, may not be conciously).

Then how come, that I offer so much, and return I get to feel inferior when I talk to you?
Why do you have to always compare every single situation that I'm in, to yours? Whether it be relevant or not? Why? How come I don't get the full attention that I offer you unconditionally? How come every time I'm compared, you end up making my problem sound so ridiculous? How come you're the only person in the world, who's allowed to have problems? Why can't I? Why must you always stop me half-way and then tell me your story? I don't want to hear your story. And the funny thing is, it's not always your story. Sometimes, it's about your mom, your friend, your friend's friend, and its their story. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, then why do you have to cut into my rant, and tell me about theirs? I don't know them, I don't fucking care. What is it? Honestly, what is it? Do you feel so insecure that even if the spotlight is not on you for one fucking second, you feel like you'll lose? What is it? How come no one else can have the spotlight for once? It's not just this. How come, when someone (e.g. me, or other people) tell you about a situation, or something that happened, and then someone who has yet to hear the story, asks about it, you're the one who'll run off your mouth and start telling the story - when it wasn't even yours to tell! And that person who actually experienced the situation is just standing there, listening to you, telling their story. Why, why is it that you get to be in the spotlight, every single time?

It's not just about spotlight, I could care less about that. I am absolutely disgusted when you try to show me off. WHY?

I get it, I fucking get it, you're smart. I get it! I fucking get it. I get that you know almost everything there is to possibly know, I fucking get it. And I also fucking get that you know that I'm not as academically gifted (although, I don't think being an A-B student is a horrible sin) as you are. And since you know that, why can't I be the expert when it comes to things I know, know as it, I'm actually spending time learning about.

You know what? Let's cut the fucking crap.

I FUCKING KNOW ABOUT SEWING, OKAY? AND WHEN I TALK ABOUT IT, I REALLY REALLY REALLY DO NOT NEED YOU TO CUT ME OFF, OR TALK WITH ME SIMULTANEOUSLY ABOUT SOMETHING THAT I KNOW ABOUT. I DON'T NEED YOU TO TALK LOUDER TO ME WHEN I'M TRYING TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING RELATED TO SEWING. I DON'T NEED IT. WHY? WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW SHIT? WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE THE PERSON TO EXPLAIN? WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS CUT ME OFF TO EXPLAIN? I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TALKING ABOUT. I DON'T NEED YOU, AT ANY MOMENT, TO COVER FOR ME AND SPEAK OVER MY VOICE TO TALK ABOUT THE SAME. FUCKING. THING. I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF IT. AND I'VE NEVER SAID A FUCKING THING, BECAUSE I'M A GOOD PERSON, AND I'LL RESPECT THE THINGS YOU SAY, REGARDLESS WHETHER IT BE BAD--FUCKING BAD, AT THAT-- TIMING OR NOT. HONESTLY, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU? ARE YOU JEALOUS? JEALOUS THAT I HAVE TALENT IN SOMETHING THAT ISN'T ACQUIRED KNOWLEDGE? THAT ISN'T SOMETHING YOU CAN LEARN OUT OF A BOOK? IF YOU'RE JEALOUS, JUST SAY IT. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW MORE SHIT THAN ME? AM I THE DUMB FRIEND THAT YOU LIKE TO HANG AROUND BECAUSE YOU GET BETTER GRADES? OR AM I THE DUMB FRIEND THAT YOU LIKE TO HANG AROUND BECAUSE WHEN WE'RE IN PUBLIC, YOU'LL SEEM LIKE THE SMARTER ONE? FUCK THAT, IF YOU WANT PEOPLE TO KNOW YOU'RE SMART, I'LL WEAR A FUCKING SIGN THAT SAYS "YOU'RE SMARTER THAN ME." IF YOU'D LIKE. I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE SMARTER. I DON'T CARE. CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M A BETTER FRIEND THAN YOU'LL EVER BE. YEAH, SURE, I MAY HAVE DIFFERENT PRIORITIES THAN YOU WHEN IT COMES TO BEING KIND AND NICE, BUT IN THE END, I RESPECT MY FRIENDS (AND SHOW IT) SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU DO. AND HONESTLY, BEING RESPECTED OUTSHINES BEING KIND TO.

I'M SORRY THAT I'M TALENTED AT SOMETHING, AND YOU'RE BOOK-SMART. I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY THAT IF IT SEEMS LIKE I'M KNOWLEDGEABLE IN SOMETHING THAT YOU KNOW YOU'LL NEVER BE AS GOOD AS. I'M FUCKING SORRY FOR THAT.

AND I'M FUCKING SORRY FOR YOU.

Attract..

-tion,

-ed.

Mindset

DO RIGHT AND KILL EVERYTHING.

I be at my table stackin dollars to the perfect height

i can't keep loving you

I was made to believe I'd never love somebody else,

Made a plan to stay the man who can only love himself.

It's busy now, the year has started, and it isn't a bad thing at all. With this schedule, there is so little time that I have to think about you. And it's good, I mean, it has been a year...it's about time I get over you. I've always wondered, what would happen, had we ran into each other, whether it was in Vancouver or in New York? I think there would be alot of swear words...or tears. Whichever, it wouldn't be fun. I do miss you. And it does go through my head, more than enough, what were you thinking when you read my message? Or what was going through your mind when you decided to exit. I have no idea, and till this day, I still wonder why.

So maybe I shouldn't be so careless,

with what I give away.

SHIT.

S H I T.

SCHOOL.

S H I T.

WERK.

S H I T.

I MISS YOU.

Shit boy, how long has it been? Oh yeah, forever.

Who the fuck were you? Where did the boy I met a year and some 24 for days ago, went? Shit boy, I don't know why the hell I'm still so hung up about you. Like I said, it's been more than a year. Pathetic, huh? Yeah, I know too. I don't know why I'm so fucking crazy.

Shit, why the fuck were you here when I was there? You were suppose to be there and me here. Why is it that our fate was so in synch last year, that we both left our hometowns and went to a foreign place -- and this year? I travelled to where you were from, and you to mine. We absolutely switched places. And when I came home, you left.

Hell, I don't even know if you even remember who the fuck I am. I'm the crazy girl, that is still hung up about you, the fuckin crazy girl that has you running through her head every fuckin day for the last 380 days. Why, why the fuck did I have to leave this town, when you were here? Did you stay here? How long? Where? I bet you were downtown all the time -- and I could have bumped into you. Were you at Canada Place? How long were you dwelling there? For a while, I bet. I could have gone. I could have been there. I could have seen you. I could have had all the answers I wanted. I could have. Yeah, I could have. But do you know what I have now? Not you, that's what.

I understand, I completely, 100% understand that we were nothing. We were absolutely nothing but people who have exchanged names, a few personal stories, and a few hours together...Oh yeah, a few hours, I mean, 5 days. Yeah, just a few. But I understand, I must've just been one of those "Hi, nice to meet you!" type of girl for you. I didn't mean a thing. I didn't mean a thing to you at all. I understand that.


Then why didn't you just say "no" when your dear sister said "you know, he likes you." You could have said no. Why did you have to send all those mixed messages? Why did you have to send all those messages that told me all those things I thought you felt? Why? You could have been the boy on the bus that didn't talk to me, or didn't like me. You could have been the boy on the bus that thought he was too cool for a girl like me. You could have been the boy at the airport that didn't say all those stupid things. You could have been the boy at the airport that just didn't talk to me at all. You could have been the boy on the plane that didn't tell me he wanted to hang out again. You could have been the boy on the plane that didn't switch seats so that we could talk. You could have been the boy without all the mixed messages. You could have not been the assassin. And I would have never known you were an assassin.


As if it's not honest enough, yeah, I still miss you crazily. Yeah, I wish I didn't send that message. Yeah, I wish I didn't even meet you. Hell, I'd trade a week of my tomorrows to forget about you. Shit, I would. It's been a year, I would do a lot of things to forget about you for forever. I hate the fact that you're on my mind all the time, I hate the fact that I'm changed because of you. I hate the fact that you are what you are. I hate the fact that everyone says your the bad guy, and if you were, that I fell for the act. I hate the fact that you deleted me. I hate the fact that you never gave me an explanation. I hate that I still miss you





Shit, I miss you.

Careless; Care less

So long since I have had to fight for love,
And even if I win, I'm gonna lose too much.

So maybe I shouldn't be so careless with what I give away,
I don't believe in being cautious.
So I surrender every ounce of my courage and every bit of my breath,
But you couldn't care less.

And I cannot forgive you for your touch,
To give me just a touch is not enough.

I can't sleep without the TV,
The silence is screaming in my head.
All I know is the way love leaves echoes inside me,
To always remind me what I had.
And what you stole.


My heart breaks a little every time I think about you. It's been 11 months. I think my heart is completely torn apart and ripped into pieces. And I don't know where all the pieces went. Fuck Chris, I still fucking miss you. I miss you.

Beautiful

I need a new outlet, I know some shits so hard to swallow.
And I just can't sit back and wallow,
in my own sorrow.
But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow,
one tough act to follow, I'll be one tough act to follow.

...

In my shoes, just to see
what it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes.
Just to see what it'd be like to,
feel your pain, you feel mine.
Go inside each other's minds
just to see what we find.
Look at shit through each other's eyes.

...

They can all get fucked.

...

Nobody asked for life to deal us
with these bullshit hands we're dealt.
We have to take these cards ourselves
and flip them, don't expect no help.
How I could have either just
sat on my ass and pissed and moaned.
But take this siuation in which I'm placed in
and get up and get my own.

...

But I already told my whole life story,
not just based on my description,
'cause where you see it from where you're sitting,
is probably a hundred and ten percent different.
I guess we would have to walk a mile,
in each other's shoes, at least.
What size you wear? I wear tens.
Let see if you can fit your feet.

...

They can all get fucked.

Getting ready...already!

Grade 11 classes have officially ended! Yes! I can't believe grade 11 went by, just like that. I'll miss it. I ended this year with my favourite class, with my favourite teacher....oh, and a test. Still. It was a good year. And the last month of harsh working has definitely proven to be a good use of time. I studied like mad, and Irving has become my second home basically. It's been really good. I'm really proud of what I've accomplished and now I know just how much potential I have for next year, and I can't wait. There are so much for me to look forward to, it's great. I know school just ended...although I also have those darn exams...like fuck my life. It's okay, two more weeks. Two more weeks, and it's all fucking over!!! Four exams, and one provincial. Almost done. Almost done! I still can't believe how fast this year went by, it's like a motherfucking hurricane. It basically went like: school-halloween-christmas break-birthday-midterms-springbreak-london-WORK-classes over!...now just one last thing to tackle: Exams.

So, now I'm preparing for the future. I need to take sewing lessons...practice sewing, make a damn good garment and university applications! I feel really optimistic about this, not sure why, but I just do. I'm really excited about grade 12, cause I know I'd be taking all the classes I want to take, and I know I'm going to be really happy to be in it. Not like this year, physics and chem...worst decision of my life. Next year is going to be good. I know it. I'm going to make it good. And I'm also going to get into the school I want to get into. I will. I will. I know it.

Life is good. Even though I still miss you...alot.

Reminders.

"i know someday you'll have a beautiful life, i know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky. but why, why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine?"

• "maybe when things turn green again, it will be good to say you know me."
• "too many hours in this midnight, too many corners in my mind. so much to do to set my heart right. oh, it's taking so long."
• "that's the way this wheel keeps working out. that's the way this wheel keeps working out. and i won't be the last, be the last, to love you."
• "can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky, are like shooting stars? i can really use a wish right now."
• "i'm in repair. i'm not together but i'm getting there."
• "oh it's taking so long. i could be wrong. i could be ready. but if i take my heart's advice, i should assume it's still unsteady."
• "what am i suppose to do when i'm all choked up and you're okay?"
• "if fear hasn't killed me yet, then nothing will. i'm in the war of my life."
• "i got a hammer, and a heart of glass. i gotta know right now, which walls to smash."
• "it's another heart attack, and i can't handle that. love, i need you back."
• "like parachutes and air ballooons, satellites and lonely moons, we'll still be drifting apart."
• "she's got a heart of gold, but every now and again she'll turn to grey."
• "you're inches from my fingertips, i've come as close as i can get."
• "you made it look so perfect, when it wasn't meant to be. your love made me blind."
• "they say every tear has it's reasons, every smile has it's own season."
• "i dont know where i'll fall down, but i'm sure to hit the ground."
• "when you fall the hardest, you find how strong you are."
• "what's somebody like you, doin in a place like this? i'll never be the same, if we ever meet again."
• "if you took my heart, return it. until you've crossed the bridge, you've burned it. burned it."
• "you don't know i struggle. no, you don't. you don't know the trouble that you cause me, you don't see it's harder everyday, since you went away."
• "somewhere i, let all my defenses down. never thought to turn around, and you did not make a sound."
• "do you have a master plan? see it turning red, like a bullet through the chest. lay it down to rest, it's a lover's final breath."
• "all the details in the fabric are the things that make you panic."
• "half my heart's got a real good imagination, half of my heart's got you."
• "cause you're not the only one, who's ever felt this way. don't let the world cave in, just tell me that you'll stay."
• "you're talking shit again, it's a heartbreak warfare."
• "i can't stop lovin you, i can't stop lovin you, with half of my heart."
• "i'm an assassin and i had a job to do. little did i know that boy's an assassin too. he's an assassin, and he had a job to do."
• "it's been a long night in new york city, its been a long night in baton rouge."
• "i dont remember you looking any better, but then again i don't remember you."
• "do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands? would you get them if i did? no you won't."
• "i picked a wishing weed underneath your mother's tree and i asked it to bring you back to me."
• "but i, but i don't want to parachute into love. no, i want to skydive."
• "let's walk the tightrope together, without a safety net. and when we fall, and we will fall, let's fall forever."
• "i see your brown eyes every time i close mine. you make it hard to see."
• "he left a mark, but i don't need it."
• "when you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part."
• "our love is like a song, but you won't sing along..."
• "maybe you'll call me someday, hear the operator say the number's no good, and that she had a world of chances for you."
• "i know i could never face someone that could sound like you."
• "you have suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it's time that you've won. take this sinking boat and point it home, we still got time."
• "bust your windows."
• "you give me 10,000 nights of thunder, but i will give them all back to you."
• "behind enemy lines."
• "even if i knew my place should i leave it there? should i give up? or should i just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere."
• "this love is taking all of my energy."
• "i'm reaching but the rest is up to you."
• "the trouble with love is it doesn't care how fast you fall, and you can't refuse the call, see, you've got no say at all."
• "that's the way it is, we live with what we miss. we learn to build another wall, till it falls."
• "it's a brilliance meant to fade. we were a brilliance meant to fade. i miss you, chris."
• "and now, i miss everything about you. can't believe that i still want you."
• "if this is how it hurts, it couldn't get much worse, if this is how it feels to fall."
• "go on and leave my love on the street."
• "all of these mixed emotions, tangled up in pure confusion."
• "it's not a bird, not a plane. it's my heart and it's going, gone away."
• "i just remembered. it was his birthday yesterday. happy birthday..." - 10:27 AM, May 12th.

Reminders.

A year from now...

...it won't be so fun to mock anymore. So whatever. I don't even have time now to be mad at you for being so fuckin' ridiculous. Because I know this time next year, everything will have caught back up to you. Everything. And your world will come crashing down like a motherfuckin' bomb. Yeah, I'm spending my Friday nights, my Saturday nights, hell my entire Sunday, busting my ass, studying. All I get is a "Seriously?" and a raised eyebrow from you. I don't need that. And I certainly don't need a text message that goes like, "so hows studying going? Still going strong, or are you 'studying' now, meaning u got distracted by something". A year from now, you're going to take those words and shove it all back up your ass. You know why I'm studying? You know why, instead of going to movies, blowing my money, I'm at a fuckin' library on a Friday night and a Saturday night? Because I don't want to end up like how you'll end up. I don't want to end up at a school where the acceptance policy is 'first come first serve'. So whatever, I'll comply with your irresponsibility now, and I'll let you say whatever you want to say about my studying time. Because I know by this time, next year, you'll understand just why I'm doing all this. And I'll stand there, and watch your life crumble into a giant piece of nothing.

p.s. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I spend all day all night, pleading, wishing and praying that you'll fail. I wish you the best of luck, I wish you can succeed, I wish you'd work hard so your life won't become miserable. I wish you the motherfuckin' best of luck. But I don't think luck is even going to help you. So whatever, failure.

you're theory on school? who am i kidding, you don't even know how to do this math.

Jack Johnson - Cocoon

based on your smile,
i'm betting all of this might be over soon.
but you're bound to win,
because if i'm betting against you, i think i'd rather lose.

but this is all that i have, so please,
take what's left of this heart, and use,
please use only what you really need.
you know i only have so little, so please,
mend your broken heart and leave.

i know it's not your style,
and i can tell by the way you move, it's real real soon.
but i'm on your side,
and i don't want to be your regret,
i'd rather be your cocoon.

but this is all that you have, so please,
let me take what's left of your heart, and i will use,
i swear i'll use what i need.
i know you only have so little, so please,
let me mend my broken heart.

you said this was all you have,
and it's all i need.
but blah blah blah,
because it fell apart.
i guess it's all you knew,
and all i had.
but now we have,
only confused hearts.
i guess all we have,
is really all we need.

so please,
lets take these broken hearts, and use,
lets use only what we really need.
you know we only have so little, so please,
take these broken hearts and leave.

They'd kill to see me fall.

"So hold your head high, gorgeous. People would kill to see you fall.

So never take the words he said to heart, darling.
He has no idea what he meant,
To you it meant a lifetime.
To him, a lie worth less than a cent.

So when you forget about him,
Don't regret the pain you felt.
It'll only make you better.
And you'll know how to play the hand you're dealt.

So hold your head high, gorgeous.
Show the world you're fine.
Don't give in to heartache,
Because people would kill to see you fall."

Weak

The scariest thing is knowing that you're weak,
Knowing that at any moment...
Everything will just,
Fall.

All the hard work earned,
All the suffering,
The 'No' 's,
All the dedicated strength,
Flushed down the toilet.
Just because I was weak.

No. I'm not going to be weak.
I'm not going to cave.

When I dove in,
It was for forever.

I'm not going to fail, I'm not going to.
If thousands of others can do it,
So can I.

If they have the strength to power through,
Look past those obstacles,
Look past those pitfalls,
So can I.

I'm not going to fail,
When it started, it was the start of forever.
I'm not going to fail.

Amazing

What is this life I've stumbled into?
Where's it gonna take me?
Where's it gonna take you?
If life is a journey, then I know where I'll be,
By the ocean, oh, that valley in the sea.

But I don't think anyone's looking for me,
Especially you,
And if someone is looking, then who?

And it's amazing,
How lost inside you feel,
When you look fine on the outside,
You're screaming, "Someone take the wheel!"
And it's amazing.
Yeah, they think you've got it all,
But it might just be a pebble,
That's gonna make you fall.

What is this story that tells me I'm fine?
It adds colour to my pages,
Like a sweet, little nursery rhyme.
If I had the answers,
Then I know where I'd be,
By the ocean, oh, that valley in the sea.

And it's amazing,
How lost inside you feel,
When you look fine on the outside,
You're screaming, "Someone take the wheel!"
And it's amazing.
Yeah, they think you've got it all,
But it might just be a pebble,
That's gonna make you fall away.

Like summer fades to grey,
And be on his bay,
Cause it hurts so much to say...

That I don't think anyone's looking for me,
Especially you.
And if someone is looking, then who?

And it's amazing,
How lost inside you feel,
When you look fine on the outside.
You're screaming, "Someone take the wheel!"
And it's amazing.
Yeah, they think you've got it all,
But it might just be a pebble,
That's gonna make you fall.
That's gonna make you fall.

That's gonna make you fall.

There's no such thing as failure.

No, there isn't. There use to be, but not anymore. There is only success. Because success is what gets you somewhere, failure gets you no where, infact, it'll only take you down. I will succeed at this. I failed last time, but not this time. It will not get the best of me. You are my best friend, and my worst enemy. The last time I let you take me down, I let myself fail. Fail. And when I try to claw my way back out, you dragged me back down. Not now, not ever, will that happen again. I will show them that I can do it, I will show them that I'm better, that I will never fail again. Never.

You will be tempted, and you will have to choose between enjoying yourself greatly in the next 10 minutes or disliking yourself cordially for the next 2-3 days for your failure.

tomorrow...

...IS SCHOOL AGAIN.





NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Not this time.

I'm so tired of giving up, but not this time.
There's so much you don't know.

If we ever meet again...

What's sombody like you, doing in a place like this?
Say, did you come alone or did you bring all your friends?
Say, what's your name, what you drinking?
Think I know what you thinking,

Baby, what's your sign?
Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine,
Say what's somebody like you doing in a place like this?

I'll never be the same,
If we ever meet again.

Won't let you get away-ay.
Say, if we ever meet again.

This free fall's, got me so
Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go.

I'll never be the same.

If we ever meet again.

If we ever meet again.

Do you come here much?

I swear I've seen your face before.

Hope you don't see me flash,

But I can't help but want you more, more.
Baby, tell me what's your story.

I ain't shy, don't you worry.

I'm flirting with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight.

So do you come here much?

I gotta see your face some more, some more.
Cause baby I,

I'll never be the same,

If we ever meet again.

Won't let you get away-ay,

Say, if we ever meet again.

This free fall's, got me so,

Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go.

I'll never be the same
If we ever meet again.

If we ever meet again,

I'll have so much more to say (if we ever meet again)

If we ever meet again,

I won't let you go away (say if we ever meet again)

If we ever ever meet again,

I'll have so much more to say (say if we ever meet again)

If we ever ever meet again,

I won't let you go away-ay-ay.

I'll never be the same,

If we ever meet again.

Won't let you get away-ay,

Say, if we ever meet again.

This free fall's, got me so,

Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go.

I'll never be the same,

If we ever meet again.

I'll never be the same,

If we ever meet again.

Won't let you get away-ay,

Say, if we ever meet again.

This free fall's, got me so,

Kiss me all night, don't ever let me go.

I'll never be the same,

If we ever meet again.

I'm 'uncultured' and I 'appear stupid'

Malcolm Gladwell is an international best-selling author, and named one of the 100 most influential people by Time Magazine, and if by reading his books makes me 'uncultured' and 'appear stupid'...then I guess a lot of people must be 'uncultured' and 'appear stupid' to you. Who the fuck are you to tell me that I'm 'uncultured' and 'appear stupid', Ms. Ignorant? I'm very sorry that I like learning about why people are the way they are, and how people think, and about people in general...I'm sorry that I don't read Jane Austen and Wuthering Heights. But I'm sorry, does Jane Austen help me learn about people? Does Wuthering Heights take me somewhere in life? No, they're story books. Yeah, they're classics, but, they're story books. Fiction. So I'M SORRY if I don't appreciate fictitious characters, and I'M SORRY if I don't like reading about love and life back in the day, and most of all, I'm fucking sorry that you're so ignorant that you stereotype millions of people as being 'uncultured' and/or 'appear[ing] stupid'.


And I'm also sorry that I'm still stuck in this bear-trap of a friendship.

They say...

..."Never regret something that once made you smile." - Amber Deckers
It is much easier said than done. Much.

February 17th, 2010. Entry from Diary.
"February. Mid-February. Has it really been that long since the summer? I can't even begin to wrap my head around just how fast time is flashing by. One minute I just got off the plane in HK, the next I met him, then I'm back in HK, then Vancouver. Then it was school, halloween, whistler, Christmas, birthday, and now, mid-February. I can't believe it has been a whopping 6 months, that's half a fuckin' year, since I've met you/last spoken to you. Why the fuck am I so hung up about him? We were meant to say goodbye, why can't I let you go? I don't understand why I can't let go, it's like I've fallen so deep, I completely forgot how to come back up. I just forgot. I don't understand. You were a thing of the past, you were a thing of 6 months ago, you were a thing of insignificance. Then how come whatever I do now is directed by how you've affected me? Why were you so damn special that my heart just won't let you go? What was so special about you? Was it because you were nice? I know many other nice boys. Is it because you are good to your mom and sister? I know boys who are good to their moms and sisters. Is it because you and I seem to be able to finish each others sentences? Maybe. Is it because we were so compatible that had we lived in the same city, I know you would've taken the fall? Perhaps. Is it because of all the obvious potential? The fact that there were feelings involved? Yes. For the last 6 months I've been at lost, you at the back of my head constantly. I hardly ever allow myself to think about you, because getting over you is probably one of the hardest things I had to do. No, not studying, not practicing piano, not doing exams, not dealing with self-centred friends, not dealing with unreasonable teachers, or worrying over universities, but simply, getting over you. Everything else I know I can get a second chance at, I can always study more, practice more, re-do exams, meet selfless friends, rationalize with teachers, and re-apply to universities, but you? Well you made it loud and clear that you and I will never get a second chance. Not a second chance to try and re-do what we had, but very simply, a second chance just to be friends. Maybe one day I'll be 100% completely free of you, and maybe then we'll run into each other...and hardly recognize each other. Maybe not, I think you'll always be apart of my memories, and if we ever run into each other, I will recognize you."



Echoes - Jason Reeves
I can't sleep without the TV,
The silence is screaming in my head.
All I know is the way love leaves echoes inside me,
To always remind me what I had,
What you stole.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

Seven days watching the sunrise,
Hoping the daylight will drown my dreams.
Underneath all the ways you left land mines around me.
Forming boundaries I can't see,
Follows me.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

If you took my heart, return it.
Until you crossed the bridge you've burned it.
Burned it.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

Right now, everything is pretty fucking good. In fact, it's pretty fucking great.

It has been six fuckin months, and I can definitely, definitely 100% say that I am done with it. Done. I thought watching Dear John would make me think of you and ultimately make me cry...but it didn't. That, for me, proves so much to me. Proves that I am okay now. That it's over, and I'm done, sealed and ready to go. And it feels pretty damn good, knowing that I am okay, that I can focus on the rest of my life. However, although this is all done and over with, I'm sure it has its repercussions. I'm sure on some levels my wall is thicker than ever before, I'm sure my cautiousness has gone from a 6 to a 9. I'm sure my belief "it's too good to be true" has definitely reinforced itself, massively. But I mean, how bad can those things be? There are more important things to consider, there are more important aspects in my life that needs attention.

Right now, school is number one on my priority list. It is definitely a huge one for me. Nothing right now can be more important than school. Not friends, not down time, not even shopping is more important than school. I've studied my brains out this week, like, I can literallly feel my brain fried. I cannot do another fucking calculation, or remember another date. I am fuckin burnt out. I can honestly say that I've never worked this hard for something. And I definitely do hope the results are goods. I may just run into the chemistry room and drink something colorful if the results are not what I expect them to be.

To wrap it up...life is good. Life is great. Exams are done, getting back to the swing of things, boys are insignificant, friends are good and making money is great.


Spring, when will you get here?

Things are changing, for the better.

Nearly a month into the new year, and honestly, life's been not bad. Things are changing, and it's all for the better. He no longer plagues my mind, I've finally figured out my goals, my future, school marks has been kind. Everything's going lovely. The only downside is the studying, I suppose. But once that is over, I'm sure everything will continue getting better. Life's lovely.

There are things I've realized that I can't change, and will just have to simply wait out. For instance, friends. The majority of people group their friends, by that I mean, everyone has tight-knit friends, friends you talk to on occasion, friends you only hang out outside of school/work, friends you only say "hi" to, friends you only ask for homework, etc. And of course there are friends within each of those categories that, although perhaps unintentional, seem to always be on the look out to sabotage you. These friends, in all honesty, aren't even doing it on purpose, it's just the way they are. Which is very unfortunate. Anywho, these friends, I don't need them. I don't. Why should I surround myself with people who are just going to repeatedly emphasize my mistakes and tell me I'm stupid. Why? I don't need them. These people are also the same people that you'll never see after highschool, so I really don't need them in highschool, they provide me with nothing to gain from. In saying that, I'm not implying that friends are only objects you get benefits from, but I certainly do not want friends that take me down constantly. Secondly, there are people that you'll meet along the way that just seems like they have such big dreams but do so little to try and climb the ladder to success. Although extremely frustrating, I'm going to have to deal with it. In the end, they're the ones that are going to fall short, whereas I will be continuing on the ladder. However I can understand (very much) just how frustrating it is. These people tell you their big dreams and hopes and goals (that require quite a bit of preparation and decent marks) for the future, and expects them to expect them to succeed. But how am I suppose to believe that they're going to succeed when I am very aware of their progress in school, which is not doing very well, and the fact that their work habits are horrible. Work habits are so important to success, and I just don't see how I can have faith in anyone who has below expectation marks, unfortunate work habits, and simply not taking the preparations they should be for these goals they want to achieve. It's just a little far fetched. Not only are they building themselves the road to no where, but they also constantly de-emphasize the reality to get to their goals, blinding themselves from the truth. It gets unbearably frustrating when you have to constantly face these people such big goals but they wish to do nothing about it and simply think that these things will just happen out of thin air. It doesn't work that way, and they never get it. Third, there are also people you'll meet that enjoy acting stupid to get attention. There isn't really much to say, except I think that these people are really, really sad.

All these people I meet along the way, eventually they'll all just kind of fall off the tracks. And honestly, I don't really care. It's not my responsibility to keep you on the tracks, and keep you focused. If you choose to go not do the things you know you have to do to succeed, I don't really understand why I have to help you, it's ultimately your life. Me? I want to succeed, I want to have everything that I've ever wanted. And I'm doing all that I can to reach my goals. And so far? So far everything has been pretty decent, pretty on track. It's nice.

I also got a haircut, I needed change. And I'm gonna have to say, it's pretty bitchin'.

"When a woman cuts her hair, her life is about to change."