They say...

..."Never regret something that once made you smile." - Amber Deckers
It is much easier said than done. Much.

February 17th, 2010. Entry from Diary.
"February. Mid-February. Has it really been that long since the summer? I can't even begin to wrap my head around just how fast time is flashing by. One minute I just got off the plane in HK, the next I met him, then I'm back in HK, then Vancouver. Then it was school, halloween, whistler, Christmas, birthday, and now, mid-February. I can't believe it has been a whopping 6 months, that's half a fuckin' year, since I've met you/last spoken to you. Why the fuck am I so hung up about him? We were meant to say goodbye, why can't I let you go? I don't understand why I can't let go, it's like I've fallen so deep, I completely forgot how to come back up. I just forgot. I don't understand. You were a thing of the past, you were a thing of 6 months ago, you were a thing of insignificance. Then how come whatever I do now is directed by how you've affected me? Why were you so damn special that my heart just won't let you go? What was so special about you? Was it because you were nice? I know many other nice boys. Is it because you are good to your mom and sister? I know boys who are good to their moms and sisters. Is it because you and I seem to be able to finish each others sentences? Maybe. Is it because we were so compatible that had we lived in the same city, I know you would've taken the fall? Perhaps. Is it because of all the obvious potential? The fact that there were feelings involved? Yes. For the last 6 months I've been at lost, you at the back of my head constantly. I hardly ever allow myself to think about you, because getting over you is probably one of the hardest things I had to do. No, not studying, not practicing piano, not doing exams, not dealing with self-centred friends, not dealing with unreasonable teachers, or worrying over universities, but simply, getting over you. Everything else I know I can get a second chance at, I can always study more, practice more, re-do exams, meet selfless friends, rationalize with teachers, and re-apply to universities, but you? Well you made it loud and clear that you and I will never get a second chance. Not a second chance to try and re-do what we had, but very simply, a second chance just to be friends. Maybe one day I'll be 100% completely free of you, and maybe then we'll run into each other...and hardly recognize each other. Maybe not, I think you'll always be apart of my memories, and if we ever run into each other, I will recognize you."



Echoes - Jason Reeves
I can't sleep without the TV,
The silence is screaming in my head.
All I know is the way love leaves echoes inside me,
To always remind me what I had,
What you stole.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

Seven days watching the sunrise,
Hoping the daylight will drown my dreams.
Underneath all the ways you left land mines around me.
Forming boundaries I can't see,
Follows me.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

If you took my heart, return it.
Until you crossed the bridge you've burned it.
Burned it.

You don't know I struggle,
No, you don't.
You don't know the trouble that you cause me.
You don't see it's harder everyday,
Since you went away.

Right now, everything is pretty fucking good. In fact, it's pretty fucking great.

It has been six fuckin months, and I can definitely, definitely 100% say that I am done with it. Done. I thought watching Dear John would make me think of you and ultimately make me cry...but it didn't. That, for me, proves so much to me. Proves that I am okay now. That it's over, and I'm done, sealed and ready to go. And it feels pretty damn good, knowing that I am okay, that I can focus on the rest of my life. However, although this is all done and over with, I'm sure it has its repercussions. I'm sure on some levels my wall is thicker than ever before, I'm sure my cautiousness has gone from a 6 to a 9. I'm sure my belief "it's too good to be true" has definitely reinforced itself, massively. But I mean, how bad can those things be? There are more important things to consider, there are more important aspects in my life that needs attention.

Right now, school is number one on my priority list. It is definitely a huge one for me. Nothing right now can be more important than school. Not friends, not down time, not even shopping is more important than school. I've studied my brains out this week, like, I can literallly feel my brain fried. I cannot do another fucking calculation, or remember another date. I am fuckin burnt out. I can honestly say that I've never worked this hard for something. And I definitely do hope the results are goods. I may just run into the chemistry room and drink something colorful if the results are not what I expect them to be.

To wrap it up...life is good. Life is great. Exams are done, getting back to the swing of things, boys are insignificant, friends are good and making money is great.


Spring, when will you get here?