I don't know how much more longer.

Everyday I go on, thinking about everything that is going on, for me, and for all the people I surround myself with. I know I'm sixteen. I know I still have a lot to learn, a lot more to go through. But for now, I'm going to selfishly say that life is pretty shitty.

I don't go through one day without having Chris being in my head. Everyday. Every fucking day. Do you know how it feels to have something go through your head that you know 100% you can't ever have? Ever? It breaks my heart a little bit every time I think about him, and about everything we could've been. I try so hard to not think about him, to occupy myself with everything I possibly can. Making plans with friends, spending money, watching t.v., going on the internet, doing homework...but at the end of the day, when I'm done having fun, done doing my homework, I lie in bed, and every night, before I go to bed, my mind loves wandering to you. I bought the Colbie Caillat album when you broke my heart, and I would listen to it thinking of you. Not until recently have I not been afraid to listen to the record because I know you'll definitely appear in my head, in my dreams. I've last saw you over 2 months ago, and just recently have I been able to listen to music that I've related to you. Do you know how fucking horrible and pathetic that is? I wish every single day that maybe, when I wake up you'll be gone, like I've never met you. But scars don't just go away, they stay, stay forever. No matter how many bandages I put over it, it'll always be there. And momentarily, no bandages seem to stick to the scar. I still haven't been able to let myself like other people, no matter how amazing they are. I'm afraid. I'm still waiting for the day when all these thoughts overbear me, and I break the fuck down. I'm trying to hard to repress these feelings, as unhealthy it is. But what am I suppose to do? Go around and bitch about my failure, about how I miss Chris, about my fucking patheticness? No. I don't do that.

I know, Chris and I were never really anything. But there was so much potential for us. We never got a chance. We simply fit together, like a piece of apple pie. Chris never gave me, gave anything, a chance. I hope you still think about me, Chris, and I hope it hurts as much as it hurts me.